ABC's of a Healthy Marriage

Talk Time

2010-01-20T22:37:00.000-06:00

Mark and I have been navigating a pretty big life change lately. It's required us to be intentional about "talk time." With kids interrupting, the phone ringing, and everyday responsibilities calling, this has been no small task.

We have our usual routines of communication, but we've needed more intentional time during this season.

What have you found to work for you when you need extra time to talk? Making an appointment with each other? Going to a coffee shop? We'd love to hear your thoughts!

Jill

Our Hot Tub Surprise

2009-10-18T22:30:00.005-05:00

A year ago I spoke for a church retreat. The retreat planners gave me a beautiful gift basket of goodies. Inside the gift basket was one of the most unique gifts. It was a gift certificate for a free rental of a hot tub for one week! I couldn't believe it! I didn't even know you could rent a hot tub!

I recently ran across the gift certificate and decided to give them a call and arrange for our week. They delivered it on Sept 21 and they have yet to pick it up! I guess there's no great demand for their rental tub so they must be storing it at our house! But hey, I'm not complaining!

Mark and I have used the hot tub every single night that we've had it. It's been like a balm to my body that often hurts so much from fibromyalgia. We've loved being able to sit outside looking at the stars during cooler weather when we normally wouldn't be able to be outside.

But most of all...we've loved the conversation time.

Our hot tub time has been talk time for Mark and I. It's allowed us time away from kids, computers, and television to debrief from our day, talk about life and ministry, share our thoughts and struggles, and then take a few minutes to talk to God together.

Whenever they decide to pick up this hot tub we'll have to find another conversation place. But until then, we're going to enjoy the stars and our nightly conversation date every night we can!

Every couple needs some talk time everyday. What works for you and your spouse?

Julie and Julia

2009-10-06T07:08:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago my daughter and I went to see the movie Julie and Julia. A friend had encouraged me to go simply because of how the movie portrays marriage. You know Hollywood gets the relationship thing wrong much of the time. But they got it right in Julie and Julia. Go see the movie and watch it for nothing more than watching two couples live out two beautiful marriage relationships.

Have you seen the movie? What did you think?

What is Marriage?

2009-09-30T19:02:00.002-05:00

I recently found a card Mark gave me last year on our anniversary. It's words are so true:

What is marriage?

It's vacuuming carpets and hammering nails.
It's saving a dollar by shopping at sales.

It's balancing checkbooks and paying off bills.
It's cleaning the windows and mopping up spills.

It's doing the laundry and matching up socks.
It's a washer that dies when the car needs new shocks.

It's two busy schedules, but one happy life, with each moment you share as husband and wife!

So what is marriage to you? Want to add your own rhyming verse?

Comfortable Love

2009-07-28T21:55:00.001-05:00

I follow one of my favorite authors on Twitter. This week @TriciaGoyer tweeted: John came home for lunch. I'm still in my pjs. We had leftover casserole. Comfortable love is totally romantic.

I love the concept of "comfortable love." It describes that place in a marriage relationship where you don't need to impress each other any more. You can really be comfortable being just plain old you with each other.

Of course, the danger is that we can get too comfortable with one another. That's when we aren't sensitive to each other's feelings, or we don't take care of our personal hygiene, or we don't make any effort to make our relationship a priority.

But comfortable love accepts you for who you are warts and all.

Comfortable love accepts how you are different from each other and doesn't try to change you into someone you aren't.

Comfortable love allows for human failures and responds with grace rather than anger.

Comfortable love is ok with leftover casserole for dinner on occasion.

I'd like to know: what does "comfortable love" mean to you?

You are not alone

2009-07-17T08:58:00.000-05:00

Marriage is harder than we think. There are lulls of "easy" in the middle of the "hard," but there's much more "hard" than most of us expect.

Why should we expect anything else? Marriage is about blending two completely unique lives into this relationship called marriage. We bring our unique personalities, temperaments, hopes, dreams, and experiences to the relationship. And not only that, but we also bring our own dysfunctions as well. Yes, every one of us has a reason to sit across from Dr. Phil for something. Our perspectives are skewed and our filters don't allow us to see life as it really is. Instead we sometimes see life as we are. In other words, our experiences, judgments, and emotions sometimes cloud our ability to see things clearly.

So we bring all our unique strengths and our unique weaknesses to the table and we work to build this thing called marriage. It's not an easy task.

Have you found yourself frustrated with trying to blend two lives together into one? Just for today, may you know that your frustrations are normal, your struggles are normal, and even your disappointments are normal. We've all been there.

You are not alone.

Things I've Learned

2009-06-25T08:37:00.000-05:00

Later this summer our daughter and her husband will celebrate 3 year anniversary and our son and daughter-in-law will celebrate their first anniversary! And today Mark and I are celebrating our 26th anniversary!

Twenty-six years ago, Mark and I were so young and naïve. We had starry eyes, big dreams, and absolutely no money. But we loved, laughed, and learned together muddling our way into the real world and this thing called marriage.

As I think back to the early years, I think about all that I didn’t know when I said “I do…”

…I had no idea how selfish I was. Marriage showed me the reality of my self-centeredness.

…I had no idea how hard marriage would be. It’s a lot more work than most of us think.

…I had no idea it would require 100% on my part. I thought it was a 50-50 deal. Not so. It’s 100-100 that makes for a healthy marriage.

…I had no idea that love was more than a feeling. Truth is---love is a choice. The feeling comes and goes.

…I had no idea how different we were. Those differences were charming to us…until we started living under the same roof. It was then that we had to learn to celebrate our differences and move from frustration to fascination.

…I had no idea that Mark couldn’t read my mind. In a huff, I’d say to myself, “He should just know…” Truth is---he doesn’t know unless I communicate to him…with words.

…I had no idea that I’d have to learn to pray a different prayer. Too often, in the early years, I arrogantly prayed, “God, please change him!” Over time I’ve learned to humbly pray, “God, please change me.”

…I had no idea forgiveness was a choice and I’d have to learn to forgive “in the moment.” Too often I felt like every wrong had to be discussed and talked about, but in time I learned that sometimes I can quickly resolve a misunderstanding in my heart with the choice of forgiveness…no discussion necessary.

…I had no idea that forgiveness would be a daily event. But it is. We live with an imperfect person who will disappoint us, let us down, and sometimes unintentionally hurt us just by being different from us. Choosing to forgive is the only way to give grace and move forward.

…I had no idea that I still acted childishly in times of conflict. Slamming doors, throwing things, and stomping through the house have no place in married life. Non-verbal childish communication had to be replaced with verbal grown-up communication.

…I had no idea that we would need to date after we were married. I thought dating was for “before marriage.” A healthy marriage needs intentional time for communication, fun, and recreation. Dating has to continue after “I do.”

…I had no idea that listening was just as important as talking. But it is. When I let my husband know he’s been heard rather than jumping in and defending my position or opinion first, we get a lot further in times of conflict.

…I had no idea that we’d ever have to visit a marriage counselor. But we have several times throughout the years. We’ve learned there is no shame in asking for help to make your marriage go the distance.

…I had no idea that I could love my husband more today than I did 26 years ago. But I do. It’s a different kind of love. The infatuation has been replaced by intimacy. The feeling has been replaced by commitment. And the love is stronger because of all that we’ve been through and all that we’ve shared.

Congratulations Julie and Evan and Matt and Anne. There’s so much you still don’t know. But what you know today about your love for each other is enough to get you through tomorrow. And you’ll take this journey just like the rest of us…learning new things about ourselves and each another…one married day at a time.

What are some lessons you've learned over the years?

Advance Decisions You Need To Make for Your Marriage

2009-06-16T08:14:00.000-05:00

Every Friday is date day for my husband and I. It’s his day off and I keep my calendar open to allow us to spend the day together. And it’s an advance decision we intentionally make to keep a priority in place.

Learning to make advance decisions can be one of the best strategies for protecting your marriage and keeping it a priority. In 24 years of marriage, Mark and I have learned that we need to decide in advance how we will give time, protection, and investment to our marriage. If we don’t make those decisions, the frantic pace of life will eventually erode the love and commitment we have.

Scheduling dates is one advance decision every married couple should make. If you have dates on your calendar for the next three to four month, you are assured that you will take time to play together, have fun together, and carry on a conversation on a regular basis without the interruption of your children. If you’ve never done this before, sit down together with a calendar and put a big heart on the days you will plan for some time together. If your children are young, arrange for a sitter about one month in advance. And don’t worry about dates needing to cost a lot of money, we’re not talking dinner and movie every time. A date can be something as simple as walking together. It can be a picnic in the park or ice skating. What’s most important is that you take time to laugh, talk, and play together.

Scheduling getaways is another advance decision every married couple should make. Once or twice a year, set aside time for a 24-48 hour getaway for just the two of you. Can grandma watch the kids? Can you trade childcare with another couple? With a date on the calendar, the details are ready to be determined and the plans are put in place. This time away is essential for couples to remember what it’s like to sleep until noon together or to spend the day hiking trails. This is when you take the time to do things like bike trails, museums, or taking in a ball game together like you did before you had kids.

Scheduling intimacy is a third advance decision married couples should make…especially couples with kids. Too often we expect physical intimacy to always be spontaneous, but in a life with children the pace is frantic and the exhaustion is constant. Spontaneity happens occasionally, but not often enough for a healthy love life. Smart couples who make a commitment to a regular schedule of intimacy find this advance decision is one of the best decisions they make for their marriage. For the person with a higher desire for intimacy, it assures them sex will happen and when. For the partner with a lesser desire for intimacy, it builds anticipation and helps them prepare mentally and physically for the time together.

Finally, setting boundaries for interacting with member of the opposite sex is a fourth advance decision every couple should make. This is one of the most important decisions we need to make because it protects the marriage relationship. Temptation often happens when we least expect it and if we haven’t put boundaries in place---advance decisions about interacting with the opposite sex---we may find ourselves drawn to someone other than our spouse. Smart couples agree to refrain from being alone with someone of the opposite sex. They agree to draw some lines that recognize the possibilities of temptation and intentionally place distance between someone of the opposite sex.

Too often, we move through life without much intentionality and then we pay a hefty price down the road. What goals do you have for your marriage? Do you want it to last a lifetime? Do you want to enjoy the season of raising children together? Answer those questions and then make advance decisions that will turn your goals into reality. A little bit of planning and intentional investment can go a long way to make our dreams of life-long love come true.

Can you think of any other advance decisions couples ought to make?

The Hard Work of Marriage

2009-06-11T08:59:00.000-05:00

The ABC's of a Healthy Marriage

It's been almost twenty-six years since Mark and I said, "I do". We promised to love, honor, and cherish one another. We promised "for better or for worse". We were so in love. We were ready to conquer the world together.

And we didn't have any idea how much work it took to have a good marriage.

But we soon learned. Many times it was the hard way. Conflicts, misunderstandings, frustrations, differing backgrounds, differing traditions --it all meshed together to make for some very difficult times. At one point it felt like we were the poster couple for "for worse". But we had one thing going for us. We were determined to make it to the "for better" part. And we determined to do whatever it took to get there. For us it involved some counseling, lots of reading, some mentoring by those who had been there before us, and much prayer. Today, I can truly say we live in "for better" most of the time. It's a nice place to be after all the years of struggle.

What are some of the things we learned through the struggles? It's kind of like going back to kindergarten--it's a matter of ABC's:

A--ALLOW FOR DIFFERENCES--As humans we are all created differently. We are also wired differently to make decisions and express emotions. As men and women, we also have very different needs. Rather than judging one another on our differences we had to learn to appreciate and work with our differences. A wonderful resource that helped us was the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

B--BE LOVING--Mark and I found that some of our problems were happening because we were expressing love to one another in the way we wanted it expressed to us. But not necessarily in the way the other one needed to hear it. We all need to be able to receive and express love. But again, we are all created differently. It's been found that there are 5 Love Languages that people "speak": Physical Touch and Closeness, Gift Giving, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Encouraging Words are all ways we give and receive love. We were missing the boat because we were speaking a foreign language to one another. We had to learn to speak our spouses "love language". Once again a book helped us think through this: The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.

C--COMMUNICATE DAILY--In the season of small children, it's easy to fall into the trap of talking about nothing but "diapers and dishes". But to keep a marriage strong, communication needs to include feelings, emotions, and dreams. We need to be able to talk about how we're really doing. We need to talk about struggles. And we need to solve problems as a team.

D--DATE REGULARLY--The dating years allow us to focus just on our loved one. Now that we're knee deep in marriage, diapers, and housework we forget about the need to stop and focus on our spouse. But it needs to happen. If not, the children come between us and when the children are gone we find we have little in common. We have found that by picking one night of the week and by having a consistent babysitter who just plans on every Thursday night, date nights are a reality. When we've not been able to afford a sitter, we've found another couple to trade with. We've also found that our relationship doesn't do well without those times to stop and focus on one another.

E-EVALUATE YOUR PAST--Everyone comes into the marriage relationship with ideas, thoughts, traditions, strengths, and struggles that they picked up from the home they grew up in. Some of these are beneficial to continue in our "new family". Others we need to toss out and determine to do differently. Mark grew up in a family that handled conflict at a high decibel level and I came from a home that never admitted they had conflict. We both needed to evaluate our past as it related to conflict management. We needed to come up with a new plan that was far more healthy than what we each knew.

F-FORGIVE--Forgiveness is a choice. It's something we have to do, it's not usually something we want to do. It's something we do in exchange for continued anger, revenge, and snide remarks. It brings closure to hurt and conflict. Do we forget when we forgive? No. Do we determine to let go of the desire to hurt the other person back? Yes. We had to learn to add forgiveness to apology. Instead of "I'm sorry" it became "I'm sorry will you please forgive me?" Then the injured partner has the ability to bring closure with "I forgive you". Sometimes we even have to make a decision to forgive when the other person doesn't ask for it.

I once heard a couple who was struggling say, "Marriage shouldn't be such hard work. We're not made for each other. It should be easier." But reality is that marriage is hard work and if we're unwilling to work hard to make it work it probably won't last. It takes time, effort, and lots of energy to keep the marriage flame burning. But it is so worth it! I can truly say that those years of struggles through the "for worse" have made us really appreciate the "for better" part!

What hard work lessons have you learned about marriage through the years?

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Date your mate ideas to get you started!

2009-06-04T08:17:00.000-05:00

Recently my husband found himself in conversation with a friend. They were discussing marriage issues when the husband asked, "Do you and your wife really go on a date every week? Mark replied that, indeed, we do make dates a priority each week. The husband replied, "You go to dinner and a movie every week?" To which Mark replied, "Oh no. We could never afford that. A date simply means that we set aside time each week to be alone without the kids. It doesn't have to cost anything at all, unless you have to hire a sitter. It simply needs to be a priority."

So many marriages struggle in the area of communication. She says, "I want to go out on a date." He says, "We don't have the money." In reality, she is just asking to be alone with her husband. She's not necessarily looking for an expensive night on the town. Early on in our marriage Mark used to ask me to golf with him. Not being a golfer myself, I really didn't want to go. I was missing the unspoken message behind his request--he was simply asking me to spend time with him.

How can you make dates happen even on a tight budget? Here are some tips to get you started:

Childcare Options:

*Hire a teenager to commit to one night a week as your babysitter. This keeps your dates regularly scheduled and allows your children to become accustomed to a regular sitter.

*If grandparents, aunts, or uncles live in town, ask them to consider having a special night with the kids every week or every other week.

*Trade sitting with another family. One night you watch their children and the next week they watch your children one evening. One family I know of trades with another family every Friday from 4pm until Saturday at noon. With that arrangement, each set of parents has a night alone twice a month. The kids enjoy playing together, so they look forward to the weekends, as well!

Inexpensive Dates:

*Share a meal when you eat out. (Make sure and tip the waiter the estimated cost of two meals because he or she is serving 2 people).

*Check out the local ice cream shop and order a root beer float complete with two straws!

*Go out for pie together.

*Explore the zoo or a museum together.

"No Cost" Dates

*Take a walk in the park, holding hands and talking.

* Spread a blanket on the ground and enjoy the night sky together.

* Take a bike ride together.

* Revisit the location of your first date and reminisce.

* Put the kids to bed early and watch your wedding video.

* Take a drive in the country and talk about your dream home.

* Have a quiet evening at home, make a meal, light some candles, and rent a movie.

For most of our 26 years of marriage we have had to be very creative in finding ways to spend time together. It's not always been easy, but it's always been necessary. We can't wait until the kids are grown to invest in our marriage relationship. We have to do it now.

So what are you waiting for? Make those childcare arrangements, talk about date ideas, and then make it happen. More than anything, make sure the priority of your marriage relationship is at the top of your list.

Date Your Mate

2009-06-03T15:55:00.001-05:00

Mark and I are self-described as being married 26 years, 16 of them happily. We’ve worked through the highs and the lows of our marriage relationship. When we got to the other side of our difficult season, we determined we would do whatever we could to help other couples strengthen their marriage. Out of that, we developed the ABC’s of A Healthy Marriage seminar that we now do in churches all over the United States. This blog continues our mission to provide honest, open communication about the challenges of marriage and strategies to make your marriage the best it can be.

With the beginning of summer, we have to always revisit our “date” schedule. During the school year we have a “date day” on Fridays—Mark’s day off. This works great during the school year, but not so well during the summer. We’re leaning toward a weekly date night during the summer.

How about you? What’s your summer “dating” plan?

2009-06-01T17:13:00.000-05:00

What is an ABC event?

2009-06-01T16:45:00.001-05:00

The ABC's of a Healthy Marriage Seminar is a practical seminar to strengthen and enrich your marriage. Taught by Mark and Jill Savage, this seminar is a wonderful weekend of laughter, practical strategies, and fresh vision for your marriage.

Hosted by churches throughout the United States, the ABC's of a Healthy Marriage Seminar equips couples with proven principles for strengthening their marriages.

Seminar Topics

His Needs, Her Needs
Men and women are created differently. We explore his needs and her needs to better understand our differences and move from frustration to fascination.
Love Languages
God has created each of us with unique ways to give and receive love. For some love is spelled Quality Time. For others it is Encouraging Words. There are five languages of love that are important for us to know about and understand. We'll help you identify your love languages and give you time to apply this new information to your marriage.
Romance
Mistakenly, our culture believes that dating is a concept used only before marriage. In reality, romance and the dating relationship needs to continue after marriage to invest in the marriage relationship. You'll walk away with dozens of ideas of how to put the sizzle back into your relationship.
Intimacy
Most people confuse intimacy with sex. While the sexual relationship is a part of marital intimacy, it's not all that intimacy is. Communication, caring, resolving conflict, meeting one another's needs are all part of the intimacy piece of a marriage relationship.
Conflict Resolution
When you blend two lives together, conflict happens. The goal for a healthy marriage is to know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
Forgiveness
In a healthy marriage, forgiveness and grace need to happen on a daily basis (sometimes even on a minute by minute basis!).
Sexual Relationship
God gave us an incredible gift to open and unwrap in marriage. We discuss how to make the physical relationship all it can be in your marriage relationship.
Spiritual Relationship
God designed the marriage relationship to include a relationship with Him. Biblical principles are shared throughout the weekend to encourage couples in incorporating their faith into their marriage.

For more information on hosting an ABC event, email jillsavagespeaking@yahoo.com.

What Others Have Said About ABC's of a Healthy Marriage

2009-06-01T14:34:00.002-05:00

"The honest and open information given was very helpful for my marriage."

"The ABC's of a Healthy Marriage was very entertaining and yet presented an excellent message."

"I learned how to better love my spouse in this seminar."

"This workshop was excellent and was presented in a genuine manner ... Exceptional!!"

"I left energized to work on my marriage and relationship with God."

"I made a recommitment to God and my marriage, and am ready to work. I'm motivated to be a better spouse."

Feedback from some churches who have hosted the seminar:

I found their presentation to be very real and comfortably informal. They presented easy to identify problems and solutions. The couples were given quality time through out the day to work through each different area of potential conflict.

Peggy
Marriage Ministry Chair

The seminar was great and Mark and Jill were very real and down to earth. There was great humor mixed with very honest sharing! Our people got a lot out of the day and would come again in a heartbeat.

Dr. Doug Hucke
Senior Pastor

Commonly Asked Questions

2009-06-01T14:34:00.001-05:00

Do we have to interact with other people at the seminar? In other words, do I have to share in a group setting?
The seminar is designed to be a getaway weekend for a husband and wife to foster romance, communication, and learn new things about the marriage relationship. The only person you have to talk with is your spouse.
Will my spouse and I have time to process the information from the sessions?
Yes! Most sessions include a 45-60 minute teaching time and then a 15-30 minute break for a husband and wife to return to their room or find a secluded spot in the hotel to talk about the session and apply the information to their relationship.
Can nursing infants attend with their parents?
Because this is designed to be a getaway weekend for a husband and wife to focus on one another, we recommend couples wait until after a baby is weaned to register for the ABC's of a Healthy Marriage Seminar.
We aren't big church-goers, will we feel comfortable at this seminar?
Absolutely! The weekend is packed full of practical information you can apply to your marriage right away. There's alot of laughter, alot of fun, and alot of great information.
What is the usual cost of the weekend?
The usual registration fee ranges from $30/couple to $120/couple, depending on each church and community's local expenses and how much the church is able to subsidize the event.

Next Event

2009-06-01T14:33:00.002-05:00

ABC's of a Healthy Marriage Seminar
February 25-27, 2011
Rapid City, South Dakota
For more information or to register for this event call Rick or Sherry Derr 308.632.1055.

We are currently working on scheduling future ABC events. Please place yourself on our mailing list and we’ll let you know when the next event is scheduled!

Simply provide us with your information and we will send out a reminder of our conference dates once a year.

Register

2009-06-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

We are currently working on scheduling future ABC events. Please place yourself on our mailing list and we’ll let you know when the next event is scheduled!

Who Are the Speakers?

2009-06-01T14:31:00.002-05:00

Mark and Jill Savage are self described as being married 27 years, 17 happily. After turning their hurting marriage around, they felt called to help other couples take their marriage to the next level. Their teaching is practical, humorous, and full of energy.

Mark served as a pastor for twenty years. Now he and Jill encourage families and marriages through Hearts at Home, an organization Jill founded 17 years ago. The Savages are the parents of three married adult children and two teenagers still at home.